flu and faith

Just last Wednesday I got home from the Idol Addiction bible study I'm in and felt so moved by what I learned. The lesson was on our brokenness and our need to be rescued. I thought about the amount of times I have called on Jesus for 'help' but not once have I ever asked to be rescued! I felt close to the Lord that day, really aware of His calling of me and content with where I was.

Around 1:00 AM I woke up with total and complete body ache. From the tips of my toes to the tips of my fingers. body ache. The chills were out of control. I'm unaware of the degree fever I must have had, but it was high, really really high. I hadn't felt that awful, ever. I knew almost instantly I had the flu. So after the doc diagnosed me, I got my shot, a filled Rx of Tamiflu and made my way back home. I laid there all day just thinking I should be using this idol time praying…but I didn't. I was so miserable. Clint stayed home the first day but had to get back to work the next. I laid around all day letting the kids crawl all over me and just survived. These were the first two days of this year that I did not start my day with my daily quiet time. That absence of time with the Lord quickly showed in my heart. I began to grow bitter, angry, impatient, and frustrated. oh and full of self pity. By Sunday I was in deep. I was no where close to the Lord and covered by my own sin so far down in that pit of self pity there was no way out. I sat in Parker's room with the door closed calling on the Lord. Sobbing, I prayed that oh so familiar prayer 'help me Jesus'. Help. 

I needed more than help. I needed rescuing.

 Thank you Jesus for this truth. I am so thankful today for His grace.

My hope is that one day I won't pull away from my Savior. However, on this side of Heaven I know that that probability is slim to none. Man, this whole brokenness thing is for the birds.

iA

Clear the stage and set the sound and lights ablaze if that's the measure you must take to crush the idols.

Jerk the pews and all the decorations, too until the congregations few, then have revival.

Tell your friends that this is where the party ends until you're broken for your sins, you can't be social.

Then seek the Lord and wait for what he has in store and know that great is your reward so just be hopeful.

Take a break from all the plans that you have made and sit at home alone and wait for God to whisper.

Beg Him please to open up His mouth and speak and pray for real upon your knees until they blister.

Shine the light on every corner of your life until the pride and lust and lies are in the open.

Then read the word and put to test the things you've heard until your heart and soul are stirred and rocked and broken.

we must not worship something that's not even worth it

clear the stage, make some space for the one who deserves it.

anything I put before my God is an idol.

anything I want with all my heart is an idol.

anything I can't stop thinking of is an idol.

anything that I give all my love is an idol.

I can sing all I want to and still get it wrong, worship is more than a song.

Clear the Stage-Jimmy Neddham

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Wow.
I did not know what I was getting into when I decided to dive into this bible study…

I'm fairly new to the world of women's bible studies. I've done one online course through Good Morning Girls (which was Ahhh-mazing!) and one more at Shades last semester. I'm not sure what took me so long to understand that involvement in bible studies are vital to my soul's growth. I think of it like actual food I take in for my soul. I feel slow but steady transformation.

You see, before I was an excuse giver. I just 'didn't have time'. 'I just couldn't handle life as it was and to add the demands of a bible study…no way.' (actual words I spoke MANY times to my sister) Plus, I felt intimidated. I often do due to my insecurities. but that is for another blog post, some other day! All the women in those rooms already know each other & I felt that a neon arrow might as well be pointing towards the lie that I didn't fit in there.

The online Bible Study was safe. I could find time at home. For a while I thought that would be enough. Then after the Bible Study ended, I felt dry. I thirsted for more. When a girl I had just met texted me about one she was attending last semester, I felt the urge to just ignore those anxious lies and push myself to be 'uncomfortable'. It was great. I am SO glad that I got involved. Jesus the King by Tim Keller was the study and I truly learned so so much!

Well, in December, I felt the Lord pushing me to uproot my church family at Shades and look elsewhere to plant new roots. After talking it through and praying with Clint, we decided after the holidays we would start our search. We started our search by going to Dawson. LOVE what I found there. We already found a Sunday School that we feel peace in. Dr. Fenton speaks strong, convicting sermons that really give my soul wholesome food. I don't think I've seen a person that hasn't come up to me and introduced themselves. I think we found our 'home.'

So anyways, back to iA…I really really felt intimidated about finding my way to this bible study that I read about in their brochure. Brand new to visiting this big church, I didn't know a soul going to this study…I remember telling Clint that first morning that I just wasn't going. I was way to anxious. He urged me to go & so I did. I prayed told God on my way that if He didn't give me insight as to how to figure out where to take Parker and how to find the room then I was leaving. Well, upon parking, a young girl with a toddler asked me randomly if I was headed to Idol Addiction. (there were at least 6 other bible studies going on at the same time). hmmmm. The shock of that 'coincidence' verifies and amplifies my lack of faith that God actually never leaves me and that I am heard. Faith. A word that my sister describes as my strongest spiritual gift. My sister, who knows me VERY well. I say that because, even my 'strongest' spiritual gift is not apparent at times and this reveals the ugly truth that while I believe in God, I obviously don't believe Him.

I have heard 3 bible studies now on this 'idol addiction'. wow. It has changed me. Truly, changed me. I am seeing so much about the simplicity of this world and my calling in this fallen world. I am hearing the years of 'if only I could find a solution to problem A, B, & C, then I would be happy' that I continuously put poor Clint through. So far I've learned this about myself. I am acting like an orphan in this world constantly spinning out of control when I have a loving, giving & kind Father with His arms wide open, grieving that I don't see him.

Jesus promised much in His time on earth, one of which was that we would see problems. We would suffer. Why are we shocked to see problems. Why do we constantly dive into self pity, feeling entitled or anger towards God? We are not called to 'fix' our problems. We are called to focus our eyes on the HOPE in more.

Just for one second, focus on life beyond this world, beyond this tiny section in time, beyond the now, and see if possessions, pride, status, money, perfection, comparisons, etc don't seem a tiny bit more insignificant.

2 Corinthians 4:8-10

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted but not forsaken; struck down but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.

honesty

Along the journey of this life I live I am faced with some hard days. Days where the minutes feel like hours...

Intermingled among those hard days are glimpses of my God.

I have been faithfully pursuing Jesus every morning & his word ALWAYS renews my strength. Each morning I am reminded to only focus on today and more than that just putting one foot in front of the other.

Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own.

Psalm 29:11
The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.

Clint and I were faced with yet another loved one join Heaven's marvelous realms this weekend. Bringing back a flood of emotions...

It led us to start reminiscing over our last almost 5 years of marriage. I feel it is safe to say that we have experienced more 'hard ships' than most couples see in a lifetime. I'm not complaining about them, it is after all what fuels my zeal for Christ.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of ALL comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.

1 Peter 5:6-7
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because He cares for you.

 A while back I filled a page with all the yuck we've been through & honestly left me feeling alone. I felt like I couldn't trust that God was going to bless us...or even relieve us from a life full of storm after storm. I would wait in anticipation for the next yuckiness to raise its ugly head towards us...I was having trouble wrapping my mind around the age old question--why would a 'good' God let us endure so much sorrow. I was questioning the truth that God is a God of love and is good.

I spent a sufficient amount of time just feeling sorry for myself, being angry and falling in a deep pit. I felt this great need for people to understand the depth of my hurt, even strangers. If I ever opened up to someone and let them know of the storms, they would act like I just told them that some possession broke...Some of the things that have been said to me-the callousness behind some people's words--you wouldn't even believe it! The truth is, they didn't know what to say; they hadn't been there-or anywhere close for that matter. It was like hearing the synopsis of a movie...sad but not 'real life'. And to be honest, nothing they said would have taken the hurt away.

People will never understand or even recognize the hurt behind circumstances and the way it affects us. Only The Lord knows that hurt.

Psalm 34:17-18
The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Then what's worse, I would start envisioning worse circumstances, that I 'needed' to go ahead and prepare myself for--It can always get worse, right? There are so many out there suffering worse than me-no food, shelter, loss of children, terminal illnesses-shall I go on...

The enemy would want me to dwell with an anxious heart and let my life slip away without encouraging others. He would love nothing more for me to live in hurt, quit trusting the Lord is good and live in constant fear of 'what might come'...

So what did I do to fight those looming thoughts when they would pop back up?? Cling to this verse:

James 4:7

Submit yourselves, then to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God, and he will come near to you.

Jeremiah 29:11
I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Matthew 7:11

If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in Heaven give good things to those who ask Him?

Psalm 91:11-12
For He shall give His angels charge over you, to keep you in all your ways. In their hands they shall bear you up, lest you dash your foot against a stone.

Jeremiah 31:17

There is hope in your future.

 Then it hit me like a ton of bricks about a month ago.

This world, all that it has to offer-all that you would be sad to loose or endure-EVERY SINGLE THING is a blessing from the Lord.

As Job so profoundly puts it (vs. 1:21) Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.

1 John 2:15, 17
Do not love the world or ANYTHING in the world...The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.



Furthermore, this world and all it has to offer-it's just not about that. It isn't about me or the health of every person I know. It isn't about how much stuff I can accumulate. It isn't about my happiness. It isn't about what God can do for me.

Bringing God glory-that is what it is all about.
and after all...God is most glorified when we are satisfied in Him alone.

I realized that these kids of 'mine' belong to our Father in Heaven. He entrusted me to raise these children with one goal-bring them to Truth.

When I recognized that, it sure did relieve some extra heavy burdens. I was grasping at straws there for a while trying to do it all on my own. While I still daily pray over these precious children I take care of on this side of Heaven, I realize they are safe in HIS arms.

Lamentations 2:19
Pour out your heart like water before the face of the Lord. Lift your hands toward Him for the life of your young children.

 With all of that said, I do believe in praying for healing (after struggling for a while about questions of why He doesn't always heal when we pray).

I choose to believe the truth that sits in The Bible:
James 5:16
Pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.

I'll end on this jewel...
James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Thanks for reading, I know it was long =)

identity

For the past half a year or so, every so often I feel an overwhelming amount of self destruction 'talk' in my head. After working for 3 years upon graduating from Auburn, I quit work to stay at home with this girl.

I remember bargaining with God, serious as can be, that if I could just quit work I would be content never shopping again, never wanting again, and living on as little as we could. I remember talking to my sister every single day while I was held hostage in my tiny cubical, eaten alive with jealousy of her freedom. I painted a picture of perfection and her life had it all. When Clint got the call from Travelers just weeks after giving birth we decided I would quit!

So going back to my entry, that "talk" I was referring to tells me things like: you have no purpose, you aren't good at anything, you couldn't get a job even if you wanted one, you wasted your parent's money on your education, you are pathetic, worthless, and 'being a mother' isn't enough. I have been brain storming for months what I can do to fill in that missing 'part' of me. My identity. So ironic I know that my biggest wish just 3.5 years ago has now become the opposite.

Lately, I've been getting on instagram and finding myself even more discouraged. I question whether that person really knows all of those 115 people who liked and commented on the picture of their child. Or, whether so & so knows all of their 5,000 facebook 'friends'. They both just have a way of making me feel lonely. Social media just enforces my emptiness and neediness.

While I'm being transparent, let me just admit that I've got this thing called OCD. Not the 'touch a door knob 15 times OCD' but the extreme Type A personality, make lists and completely OBSESS over organization kind. SO when I see something on Pinterest that I think is cute, I HAVE to do it. I am that crazy person trying to teach their kids ABCs at 18 months. I have daily cleaning charts, labels on absolutely everything, and a schedule down to the hour most days. I'm not trying to compete, it's more something to do with my own expectations and NEED to create a perfect childhood for my kids. Ridiculous, I know, but that is me and those are my struggles.

Lately I've been really praying to figure everything out and find some sort of balance. I really wanted to dig deep to realize why all of the sudden being a stay at home mom wasn't enough, or why I feel like a loser because a million people don't 'like' my photos. Why am I all of the sudden so self loathing?

So about a week ago, I was begging God to reveal to my what it means to 'give him my anxieties' because I know that is what He instructs us to do, and it seems easy enough but for some reason I just couldn't grasp how to truly do that. Something clicked yesterday. All my emptiness, my neediness, my identity, it is found in the Lord alone. Anything telling me otherwise is straight up a lie.

All this other stuff is meaningless. My personality is type A, God made me that way and I can channel that for good or for bad. So for now, today I putting myself on social media restriction and sinking my time into blogging!

Live Simply

'God our Father

we thank you

for our many blessings

Amen.'

Hearing those sweet words from our almost 3 year old is the sweetest sound. If I could only bottle it up and put it on repeat for my soul to hear constantly....

Lord, may I momentarily see all of your blessings and always thank you for them.

'Heavenly Father, kind and good,

for our health and daily food we thank thee.

Amen.'

These words also bring sweetness to my soul as they were often spoken before meals by my Papa and also spoken together by my family. When I really concentrate on those few words, it hits my heart in such a sweet spot. Our Father is in fact good and all that we go through in life work for the good of those who love him. May I never take my health and daily food for granted.

Lord, please remove all the debris and clutter from my heart. 

May I live simply and glorify you.

our normal

Our normal around here looks a lot different than I ever imagined. I don't honestly know exactly what I imagined raising two kids to be like-but this is way different. I will start by saying that I absolutely love my children with all of my heart and couldn't see my life any other way, but this is hard.

Really really hard.

Parker is at an age where he isn't advanced enough to do all the exploring he wants to do and I stop him from basically all his attempts. I'll sum up 95% of my day looking after Parker: screaming. Blakely is still whining non-stop. I have tried everything I can think of and it doesn't end. The whining might as well be nails on a chalkboard. Blakely doesn't like to share and claims every single toy as hers. They both want me to carry them around 100% of every day and scream when they are the one being left out.

Then sometimes things like this happen...

 and this...

 and this...

 and this...

 and they crawl all over me...

 and crawl all over daddy...

and I am reminded that there are so much good that outweighs the bad.  These are God's children and he chose me to watch after them while on this Earth. 

so when something like this happens from a grumpy yucky moody 3 year old...

yes those are teeth marks

I just have to stay focused and realize that I am doing the best that I can do. So don't let them fool you! (you know all those gals out there pretending like everything is perfect and they have it all together)

Finding Joy

In this life filled with heartache and really difficult battles one thing is for sure, if you fight for joy-you will find glimpses of it. It is the simplest of things that bring the most joy.

our 'good night rituals'

 washing our cars

a sleepy puppy

 a helping hand

 laughs and love

 an entertaining other half

 a new dress!

using our imagination

 'smelling the roses'

 having the privilege to hang with my best friend all day, every day!

It is really hard sometimes to find joy these days (just being honest). But it is there. Thanks to everyone for your prayers-we can feel them working!

A Flood...

That rain I mentioned earlier...Well, it turned into a flood.

Just one week ago we lost one of the most amazing men I have ever known. Clint's Daddy went to be with the Lord. I have never felt such gut wrenching pain as this loss has produced. To see someone you love more than anyone on this earth face something so horrific and devastating-words could never describe what has been running through my veins these past 168 hours...

I learned a couple of things this week. Gran wasn't just an amazing father and husband; no-he changed lives. If at the end of my life I am half of the selfless, giving, and Godly person he was...well I will have lived a rich rich life. I heard stories of over 30 people he specifically helped get jobs (including me). I heard stories of anonymously sending amazing gifts to many different people, stories of turning on lights and heaters for co-workers so there office would be nice and warm when they arrived and stories of giving, giving and more giving...

I'll make this short and sweet as it is too difficult to talk about. I have my own memories. SO many wonderful memories that I will forever hold close to my heart. In the 7 years I've been with Clint, Gran treated me as his daughter from day one. The world lost an amazing man and Heaven gained one HUGE asset!

 Loving on his horses!

 With his two boys...

 Grandpa & Gran

Napping with Cali

 When Blakely was born

 Father's Day 2010

 In the hospital when Parker was born

I love you Gran!