I remember bargaining with God, serious as can be, that if I could just quit work I would be content never shopping again, never wanting again, and living on as little as we could. I remember talking to my sister every single day while I was held hostage in my tiny cubical, eaten alive with jealousy of her freedom. I painted a picture of perfection and her life had it all. When Clint got the call from Travelers just weeks after giving birth we decided I would quit!
So going back to my entry, that "talk" I was referring to tells me things like: you have no purpose, you aren't good at anything, you couldn't get a job even if you wanted one, you wasted your parent's money on your education, you are pathetic, worthless, and 'being a mother' isn't enough. I have been brain storming for months what I can do to fill in that missing 'part' of me. My identity. So ironic I know that my biggest wish just 3.5 years ago has now become the opposite.
Lately, I've been getting on instagram and finding myself even more discouraged. I question whether that person really knows all of those 115 people who liked and commented on the picture of their child. Or, whether so & so knows all of their 5,000 facebook 'friends'. They both just have a way of making me feel lonely. Social media just enforces my emptiness and neediness.
While I'm being transparent, let me just admit that I've got this thing called OCD. Not the 'touch a door knob 15 times OCD' but the extreme Type A personality, make lists and completely OBSESS over organization kind. SO when I see something on Pinterest that I think is cute, I HAVE to do it. I am that crazy person trying to teach their kids ABCs at 18 months. I have daily cleaning charts, labels on absolutely everything, and a schedule down to the hour most days. I'm not trying to compete, it's more something to do with my own expectations and NEED to create a perfect childhood for my kids. Ridiculous, I know, but that is me and those are my struggles.
Lately I've been really praying to figure everything out and find some sort of balance. I really wanted to dig deep to realize why all of the sudden being a stay at home mom wasn't enough, or why I feel like a loser because a million people don't 'like' my photos. Why am I all of the sudden so self loathing?
So about a week ago, I was begging God to reveal to my what it means to 'give him my anxieties' because I know that is what He instructs us to do, and it seems easy enough but for some reason I just couldn't grasp how to truly do that. Something clicked yesterday. All my emptiness, my neediness, my identity, it is found in the Lord alone. Anything telling me otherwise is straight up a lie.
All this other stuff is meaningless. My personality is type A, God made me that way and I can channel that for good or for bad. So for now, today I putting myself on social media restriction and sinking my time into blogging!
I think some people are 'friend collectors.' Anyone they meet friends or follows them. Maybe they really do know that many people, but how many are good, close friends? I'm type A as well and try to remember that sometimes it can't all get done. Even if it is all done, it doesn't always come out perfectly. Life is messy and hard and those are often the times we grow the most! Some days it's easier to remember than others, but I try to take a step back and breath. We are so blessed to have these types of problems instead of hunger, shelter and safety, but it's hard to remember that in the heat of the moment. I can't say I know where you're coming from as I don't have kids, but I can see what you're saying. You are right, the other stuff is just noise in the background. Glad you got a bit of clarity :)
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