Just a warning: this post is really long and really only written for my own reflections to come back to. Feel free to read, but know you'll probably fall asleep by the end. =)
I'm gonna be brutally honest in this post today...I have been searching for contentment/peace over the past couple of years. Contentment in our barely decorated home with no yard, no privacy, and space constraints. Contentment with my body. Contentment in my job. Contentment in my clothes. Contentment in my possessions. Contentment in God... The list could go on and on, but these are definitely some major struggles. Since I have quite a few OCD tendencies, truly being content is extremely hard for me to come by. I definitely don't come by it naturally as it takes tons of effort to fight those areas of longing for perfection.
There are many moments when I hear of death, tragedy, and poverty where my mind can get a glimpse of true perspective. Typically this time lasts around 5 minutes and then I'm right back where I started. I long for that soft heart to permanently reside in my body. This past week I've been trying to concentrate fully on thanksgiving to God. I'm reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp & for the first time actually grasping the importance of such a word as thanksgiving.
It amazes me to sit and think of all the empty moments I've sat around feeling sorry for myself. When will Clint get a job that doesn't make him miserable? When will I feel 'full' inside from all the emptiness I feel as a stay at home mom? Sure I watch over my child & teach her, clean, cook, deal with the finances, & clean some more but I'm left with feeling so meaningless. When will we have a yard where I don't get attacked by 5 neighbors each time I open my door and Zizi can run and play? When I read the words from this book, I feel all these meaningless things fall off of my shoulders and find myself truly seeking something positive out of everything negative. Then I find peace. True peace.
God is funny sometimes how He teaches us- Just yesterday (and every day) Blakely decided to test me. She has been doing 'bad' things so that she can hear 'good girl' when she quits doing that 'bad' thing. For instance, she has been climbing on the kitchen chairs and then standing up in them. As soon as she stands up she will sit back down and tell herself 'good girl'. She doesn't understand that there is a danger factor in standing up. She doesn't see why and will probably never understand why she gets a spanking when she disobeys me for such a thing. She doesn't understand that it truly hurts me more than it hurts her when I have to discipline her. God is just like this with us. It hurts him to see us deliberately do things he has told us not to do. He has to let the discipline happen though to teach us-whether we ever understand why. We have to go through hard times and terrible emotions to mold us into who he wants us to be. I guess I'm one day closer to being that person!
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