Getting Real...

I have so much to catch up with blogging. It truly does overwhelm me at times. I take plenty of pictures because I want to soak in each and every day. Each memory. I wake up early each morning-way before the kids arise. I typically get that coffee going and try my hardest to fill up my prayer journal and maybe even get a few pages through something leading me closer to my Father. As I started my journaling this morning I kept looking at my computer wanting to capture some of these feelings in my blog...So-coming soon are the fun and wonderful memories-as for today? It's the hard part of my life.

The pain of brokenness has hit my heart hard over the past year. I have good days-no GREAT days, and I have 'terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days.' 

This is my special buddy. He is precious in every way. My Mom expressed concern over his autism concerns even at age 2. He was slow to walk (as are most second children, especially boys). He was slow to speak, and spoke in ways that didn't make sense when he did. I was in denial. 

January 2017 I met with his preschool teachers and they confirmed that they were concerned. They told me he was very bright. Very, very, very bright-but socially something was off. We scheduled a consultation with our pediatrician. Since then, we've been taking steps to figure out what's going on and how to parent. 

We call it "Parker's World". He can behave so 'normal' that you just think to yourself--there is nothing wrong. Then it hits me...like a ton of bricks-those moments where he starts shouting at someone that he didn't get a haircut, when in fact he had gotten one the day before--something is missing. 

Sometimes there is just a disconnect. Something is just not right. 

This I know. He loves hugs and rarely will give high fives.

He loves cuddles. He needs them. He craves them.

He loves toys. Especially transformers, cars and his monkey. 

He is pretty much obsessed with his 'pad'.

He cannot handle conflict. He runs from it and wants peace. 

The reason for this post, is an incident at our pool yesterday. A piece of my heart tore yesterday. The lifeguard blew his whistle and announced 'adult swim'. 5 minutes is pretty much forever to a child. Well, they were pretty lax that first hour as I watched at least 10 children splash around in that knee deep water during that whole time. The next hour came and another whistle followed. This time, it was only my buddy in that water...using his newly learned happy place, diving under water with his goggles. Up and down, up and down-he was in {parker's world}. I was holding 2 year old Alli Kate who had been napping for 30 minutes and couldn't get his attention. The life guard very gently asked him to get out of the pool. 

That is when it happened-a mid 30s something male sitting on the other side of the pool grabbed the dinosaur my son had been playing with and threw it out of the pool. Parker, confused, got out to retrieve it and slowly slid back into the pool while this 'man' yelled at him to listen to the life guard and stay out of the pool. He just seemed confused as he continued to get back into the pool as he just didn't understand that 5 minute rule. The man then started screaming asking him where his Mother was...Father??? Yelling to get out of the pool! I quickly rose from my chair and ran to deal with what was happening. Autism, I yelled! 

The pool stared back at me. Everyone. I just sat there paralyzed. I felt completely and totally alone. I knew nobody here understood. No one gets my confusing and different life. They aren't trying to balance a 7 year old with ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) and SPD (sensory processing disorder) and ADHD, high anxiety and a variety of other 'issues', an autistic son-whom I still have no idea how to parent, and a 2 year old...whom I just had to wake from a peaceful nap-one she rarely gets these days. 

Sure EVERYONE has something, I've heard it a thousand times. Also, God made me their Mommy and I'm the perfect one for them. Another one I've heard...They are completely normal-you just aren't being firm enough. You want to hear some more...They will outgrow it. Are you still getting help or are they better? Oh my child is that way, they do the exact same thing! Are you sure it's autism, he is social. I've even been advised that I need to discipline my children. Seriously, everywhere I go--advise, advise, advise. ugh. 

To answer some of these pleasant questions--yes, I'm sure everyone has something. Yes, God did make me their Mom, but every single day I feel lost. I have no idea what I'm doing and I feel overwhelmed, lost and confused, no matter how much I pray. They are not 'normal' even though I abhor that term. I am extremely firm-maybe too firm....most definitely too firm. They will NEVER outgrow any of this. Yes we are getting help. 10s of thousands of dollars worth of help if you must know. no, they are not better...no, your child does not do the exact same thing and you saying that makes me feel so much more alone. No, I'm not sure it is autism--I'm just going by the specialist who has devoted his entire life to the field for 30 years. and for the love, disciplining my children is NONE of your business. But, yes, I do. All. the. time. Some days I feel like all I do is discipline.

So there is is. All of it. Those pictures are true. We have fun. We love our trips and our outings. My kids are happy. I'm happy. We are learning to live in our 'normal', and it's tough.